Let’s talk about not knowing what you want in bed…
I used to think there must be something wrong with me because I can’t necessarily tell someone exactly what I want in bed.
At times I can be clear, but in other moments I have no clue… and feel somewhat at the mercy of the moment to decide if something feels good. I am jealous of those who approach the bedroom with a defined plan or clear fantasy around what they want to unfold.
Maybe you recognise the feeling of pressure to know what you want in bed? And the worry that if you don’t know… is that still OK?
In Katherine Angels book Tomorrow Sex Will Be Good Again, she offers the perspective that not knowing exactly what you want in bed isn’t a problem.
In fact it’s completely normal.
And simply acknowledging this and learning in to it could be exactly what’s needed to spark sexual desire. Let us explore….
The Pressure to Know What You Want.
Many of us feel an immense pressure to “know” what we want in the bedroom.
And there is a kind of cultural narratives that suggest that sexual self-knowledge equals good sex- AKA the more you know about what you want, the better you’ll be in bed.
We all want to be good in bed, right?, and of course there are certainly huge benefits to being clear on what feels pleasurable to you!
But if you don’t know what you want in bed, or don’t have a language or imagination to hang your fantasies or desire onto, this doesn’t mean that you’re broken.
Instead, the problem might be simply in the belief that “knowing what you want in bed” is a static thing you either know or don’t, or a pre-packaged truth waiting to be uncovered.
Allow Desire to Unfold Instead.
Rather than believing that knowing what we want is a destination to arrive at, in her book Katherine Angel encourages us to see desire as a dynamic, unfolding process.
In reality, for some women desire is not always immediate or obvious because they experience what researchers call “responsive desire”- arousal that emerges slowly, shaped by context, emotion, and connection. This means desire can shift, expand, or retreat depending on the intimacy, trust, mood, and connection between partners. Sexual desire (e.g. knowing what we want), for many women therefore can develop in the moment rather than existing as a static truth.
Importantly, it often takes shape in the very act of relating to another person. Desire is something that is shaped as part of a shared experience that very much comes alive and picks up speed as the sexual encounter develops.
So if you’re sitting alone wondering why you don’t know exactly what you want in bed- meaning you also struggle to tell your partner what you want- that uncertainty is normal. Because your desire for what you want will only exist and evolve as each moment of a sexual act unfolds (whether alone or partnered). So expecting clarity on what you want in bed BEFORE you get started ignores how desire naturally unfolds, and adds pressure that can further block arousal.
Katherine Angel highlights this tension in her book- that this pressure to perform self-knowledge (aka know what we want) clashes with the reality of how desire actually works. Consider a resource like a sexual “menus” or a list of likes and dislikes to explore with a sexual partner. In some contexts these can be incredible tools to explore what brings us pleasure, give us options to expand our sexual repertoire and offer us a pathway to explore what we might like. But if you find them intimidating or can’t imagine yourself doing anything on the list and are then judging yourself for doing so, don’t worry- just allow the moment to unfold without planning too far in advance.
From Certainty to Curiosity
The key difference here is a shift in perspective.
Rather than thinking women should arrive at sex with perfectly articulated self-knowledge, and that what we want is something static and pre-defined, we might instead see desire as a process of mutual discovery.
It changes and grows through exploration, curiosity and connection. In reality, sexual desires can change over time too; what one person craves in one moment may differ in another, and change from partner to partner.
“Feelings, sensations, and desires can lie dormant until brought into being by those around us. We need to be able to allow this, too; we need not to fight so hard against our own porousness, our own malleability.”
― Katherine Angel, Tomorrow Sex Will Be Good Again: Women and Desire in the Age of Consent
Instead of aiming for this idea of “perfect” self-knowledge, Angel advises us to lean in to uncertainty- letting go of the "need to know" what you want, and instead allowing space for desire to emerge.
Stepping into the idea that it's OK not to know, without fear or judgment, can open the door to new experiences and possibilities that can enhance our intimacy and invite us into new and everchanging self-knowing.
Crucially this also involves vulnerability. Having the courage to explore and experiment with a partner or alone, and try to let go of the need to perform. Doing so allows us to focus on the sensations and emotions that arise during intimate moments, building trust and connection, making our sexual encounters richer and more fulfilling.
“Desire isn't always there to be known. Vulnerability is the state that makes its discovery possible.”
― Katherine Angel, Tomorrow Sex Will Be Good Again: Women and Desire in the Age of Consent
A More Nuanced Future
Tomorrow Sex Will Be Good Again is ultimately a call for nuance.
The belief that we must know exactly what we want in bed to enjoy good sex is limiting. True sexual freedom, Angel suggests, isn’t about always knowing- it’s about allowing ourselves not to know, and trusting that intimacy can be pleasurable and deeply human in that space of discovery.
Ultimately, Angel invites a shift: to see desire not as a checklist of things we must know, but as a living, unfolding energy that can guide us toward more intimacy, pleasure, and freedom if only we accept the invitation to explore.
So, the next time you feel pressured to define your desires, consider the value of uncertainty. Allow yourself to be vulnerable, communicate openly, and explore together or alone. You may discover that the most fulfilling experiences arise from moments of surprise, uncertainty, and shared discovery.
Actionable Insights.
I really enjoyed Katherine Angel’s book on many levels beyond desire and I’d recommend it as a read.
My key takeaways from it are that desire unfolds in the moment, so not knowing what you want isn’t a flaw- it’ll come if you just allow yourself to explore and focus on pleasure.
And actually in the moment this was incredibly true for me. After reading Angels book I applied this wisdom to sex, and instead of being in my own head and worrying that I didn’t know what I wanted, I just allowed myself to go from the next moment to the next and just solely focus on what felt good. The more immersed I was the more I became aware that I wanted something next- small small steps of desire, but desire none-the-less!
And instead of worrying, judging or comparing yourself to others, consider knowing what you want as a process of discovery that will always be changing and evolving as you move through partners, experiences and seasons of life.
“Working out what we want is a life's work, and it has to be done over and over and over. The joy may lie in it never being done.”
― Katherine Angel, Tomorrow Sex Will Be Good Again: Women and Desire in the Age of Consent
If you want to learn more, Katherine Angel’s Tomorrow Sex Will Be Good Again is a must-read. It explores a lot more about desire, and touches on consent, #MeToo, and the power of vulnerability in sexual relationships.
✨ If this post resonates with you or if you’ve read this book too I’d love to hear what you think about the idea of desire as something that evolves in the moment rather than can be known and defined? Leave a comment below or send me an email to continue the conversation✨.
